Friday, December 16, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her.
As the frozen bird laid there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing her out!
She lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat hears the bird singing and comes to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug her out and ate her.
Morals of the story:
 Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
 Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
 And when you are in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out !!!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk . . . Sorry. Thank you.
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi .. . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!!!
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!!!
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah . . . . . .. . . . . Thank you.
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . .. . . . . Ah, that one does work. Thanks.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?..
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Some Amazing Lines...!
A true quote:
If silence is meant to be the best for all situations...then why we all get so hurt when people don't talk to us??
One of the very true & greatest illusions of life is that....
"we always believe there is more time in tomorrow then today"
We work for making better tomorrow
But when tomorrow comes instead of enjoying again we start thinking for better tomorrow.
When we were small we laughed less
But there was infinite hidden happiness as we grow up we learn to laugh more to hide the unspoken sadness
Rememeber that no one will understand you perfectly in life
Just give credit to those who have atleast tried to do it...
A heart dies when it is not able to share its feelings..
But a heart kills itself when another heart doesn't understands its feelings....
Loving someone doesn't need a reason
If u can explain why u love someone it's called 'like'
If u can't explain it's simply called 'love'
Heart melting words:
Tears will'nt come when u miss a person,
It comes when u don't want to miss a person....just feel it!!!
Beautiful truth against gravity:
The heart feels light when someone is in it.
But it feels very heavy when someone leaves it......
Sharing problems & asking for help doesn't mean that we are weak or incompetent,
It usually indicates an advanced level of trust.......
Walking alone is not difficult...
But when we walked a mile with someone, then coming back alone is more difficult....
A very nice observation:
The world's best friends never have the same nature
They just have the best 'understanding' of their 'differences'
Don't judge a person by what other's say
The person may be true to you but not to others
Because the same sun which melts the ice hardens the clay too..
Don't feel bitter that people remember you only when they need you
Saturday, October 22, 2011
The sign said: "Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym."
At first everyone was sad to hear that one of their colleagues had died, but after a while they started getting curious about who this person might be. The excitement grew as the employees arrived at the gym to pay their last respects.
Everyone wondered: "Who is this person who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he's no longer here!"
One by one the employees got closer to the coffin and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless. They stood over the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.
There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself. There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:
"There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: it is YOU."
YOU are the only person who can revolutionize your life.
YOU are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success.
YOU are the only person who can help yourself.
Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your company changes.
Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that YOU ARE the only one responsible for your life.
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Friday, September 30, 2011
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Mother: Piya, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'
Piya shared this with Hitesh when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made.
This was what they did after certain time:
- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage
- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Piya
- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali
- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Piya got pregnant
- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted
.... and so on...
However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love... One day Piya talked to her Mother: 'Mom, we can't stand it anymore.
We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'
Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'
Piya thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home. When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce.
The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Piya.
She found a new deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you've brought me.'
They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe."Life is about correcting mistakes."
Monday, September 26, 2011
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Friday, September 23, 2011
The shopkeeper is so impressed, and since it is the closing time, he decides to follow the dog. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to the zebra crossing, he waits till the signal turns green. He walks across the road till the bus stop. He waits on the stop and looks up the timetable for the bus. The shopkeeper is totally out of his mind as the dog gets into the bus and sits on a vacant seat. The shopkeeper follow the dog. The dog waits for the conductor to come to his seat. He gives the change to the conductor and shows him the neck belt to keep the ticket. The shopkeeper is almost fainting at this sight and so are the other people in the bus.
The dog then moves to the front exit of the door and waits for the bus stop to arrive, looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight he wags his tail to inform the driver to stop. Then not even waiting for the bus stop to arrive the dog jumps out and runs to the house nearby. It opens an big iron gate and rushes towards the door. As it approaches the door, he changes his mind and walks towards the garden. The dog walks up to the window and beats his head several times on the window. It then walks back to the door and waits. The shopkeeper maintaining his senses walks up to the door and watched a big guy open the door.
The guy starts beating, kicking and abusing the dog. The shopkeeper is surprised and runs to stop the guy. The shopkeeper questions the guy "What in the heaven are you doing? The dog is a genius he could be famous in life."
The guy responds "You call this clever? This is the 3rd time in this week that the dog has forgotten the door keys."
The moral of the story: "You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations, but will always fall short of the boss' expectation"
The salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Watch her eyes ♥
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
... "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Train is about to leave the station. All passengers are settling down their seat.
As train started young man was filled with lot of joy and curiosity.
He was sitting on the window side.
He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He shouted, "Papa see all trees are going behind".
Old man smile and admired son feelings.
Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all the conversion between father and son.
They were little awkward with the attitude of 25 yr old man behaving like a small child.
Suddenly young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with train"
Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly.
Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the young man's hand.
He filled with joy and he closed the eyes.
He shouted again, "Papa it's raining, water is touching me, see papa".
Father was happy!
Couple couldn't help themselves and ask the old man, "Why don't you visit the Doctor and get treatment for your son."
Old man said, "Yes, we are coming from the hospital; my son was born blind and today only he got the eye sight for the first time".
Moral: Don't draw conclusions until you know all the facts.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
In court the old man told the Judge: "They were just comments, they were not meant to harm anyone."
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man: "Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper. Cut them up and on the way home; throw the pieces of paper out. Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence."
The next day, the judge told the old man: "Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday."
The old man said: "I can't do that! The wind spread them and I won't know where to find them."
The judge then replied: "The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it. If you can't speak well of someone, rather don't say anything."
Moral: Let's all be masters of our mouths, so that we won't be slaves of our words.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"
The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."