21 Advices For Better Life....

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it. FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye. SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN! . When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?' FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze. SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions. EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

FW: Current Situation In IT industries

Once upon a time the government with Ruling Party XYZ.. had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. 
Ruling Party XYZ Said.. - "Someone may steal from it at night." 
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

 Then Ruling Party XYZ  Said..
- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction? " 
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.., 
- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" 
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.. , 
- "How are these people going to get paid?" 
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.., 
- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" 
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.., 
- "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." 
 
 So they lay off the night watchman. 

Moral of the story: 
"Current Situation In IT industries"

 

 

Last Evacuation Drill !!!

 

XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office(approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within
3 mins & every employee gathered outside office. 10 mins passed..................................5 more mins passed.

Security Officer -> Announcement started, "Dear Employees - With melting  heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a
last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee. While  moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are lay off & all their
belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this  approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in
thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office". Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck.

 

CHANGE IN LIFE!!!!!!!!!! ITS SO TRUE!!!!!!!

CHANGE IN LIFE!!!!!!!!!! ITS SO TRUE!!!!!!!

Here i am sitting in my office @ night...
Thinking hard about life
How it changed from a maverick collage life to strict professional
life......

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives lesss happiness....

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger.....

Here i am sitting in my office @ night...
Thinking hard about life
How it changed.....

How a bike always in reserve changed to bike always on
but then why there are less places to go on......

How a small coffee shop changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away.....

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages......

Here i am sitting in my office @ night...
Thinking hard about life
How it changed.....

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment....

How a old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on..........

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
but then why after 8'o Clock it always feel like getting late....

Here i am sitting in my office @ night...
Thinking hard about life
How it changed..... how it changed........

This message and the information contained herein is proprietary and confidential and subject to the Amdocs policy statement,
you may review at http://www.amdocs.com/email_disclaimer.asp

HR Notice [Please Read]

 Dear STAFF,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a)  If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b)  If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c)  If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SUNDAYs.

LUNCH BREAK:
a)  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b)  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c)  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a)  There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b)  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c)  After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d)  Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE:
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note:         Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Best regards, 
  

HRD 
 
 

 

 

Wishing You a Happy and Prosperous New Year

 

2009  

 

Happiness deep down within.
Serenity with each sunrise.
Success in each facet of your life.
Family beside you.
Close and caring friends.
Health, inside you.
Love that never ends.
Special memories of all the yesterdays.
A bright today with much to be thankful for.
A path that leads to beautiful tomorrows.
Dreams that do their best to come true.
Appreciation of all the wonderful things about you.

 

 

Wishing you lots of Happiness, Success, Love n Good health

 

 

 

Warm Regards...

 

 

 

 

Regards,

Sandeep Garg

FW: Nice sentences

Nice sentences


3 Easy Ways to Die :


Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.



1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells

her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.



2.. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY


3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE..


4.. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.


6.. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path..

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.



7. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.

If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.



8.. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.

Answer : On their MARRIAGE.



9. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.

Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.



10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.

Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.
 
 

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FW: Limca book of records... 29 KTs IN ENGG. CLEARED AT ONE GO....

 

 

 

Did you observe this

 

13 May -------- JAIPUR
June---------NA----------
26 July ------------ AHMEDABAD
August ------------NA---------------
13 September ------------ DELHI
October ----------NA---------------
26 November --------------- MUMBAI
December --------NA(hopefully)--------------------
13 January ----------------- What Next?

Apprisal Letter :)

 
Appraisal के  नाम  पर  एक  लम्बी  आह  भरते  हैं,
chaliye ab hum is "dukhad" kahani ki shuruat karte hain,

हमेह्सा  की  तरह  10 बजे  ठुमकते  हुए  office आया,
11 बजे  तक  नाश्ता  किया  और  बारह  बजे  तक  mail ही  पढ़  पाया ,

हमेशा  की  तरह  आज  भी  मुझे  आलस  आ  रहा  था ,
और  मेरा  PM मुझे  तिरछी  निगाहों  से  देख -देख  गुस्सा  रहा  था,

मैं  बड़े  concentration के  साथ  एक  "Careful" mail पढ़  रहा  था,
तभी  देखा  मेरे  PM ke नाम  का  नया  mail कोने  मैं  blink कर  रहा  था,

फिर  कोई  traini n g attend करनी  होगी,ये क्या बकवास है,
क्या  reply मैं  लिख  दूँ  की मेरे mailbox का उपवास  है?

मैंने आँखें बंद की और 10 bar "om" "om" bola,
और प्रणाम karate huye मैंने वो मेल खोला,

PM के  इस s मेल मैं एक अजीब सा सुकून और भोलापन  है,
likha है भाइयों appraisal letters आ गए,अब तो one -to-one hai,

मॅन मैं ऐसे बुरे बुरे ख्याल आ रहे थे ,
ऊपर से कुछ लोग मेरे"de-appraisal" की गन्दी affwah उड़ा रहे थे,

PM को letter लाते देख हर कोई useदेखता जाता है,
जैसे mallika के किसी नए गाने को देखा जाता है,

आखिर वो वक़्त आया,PM ने एक एक kar sabako ander बुलाया,
जो भी अंदर जाता हँसता हुआ जाता,
जो बहार  आता,मुरझाया  hua aata,

बहार आ कर इंसान संभल भी नहीं पता है,
की "कितना हुआ kitna मीला"हर कोई उसपे टूट जाता है,

किसी एक को appraisal मैं 2000 rupaye मिले  थे , मैं  उसकी  हंसी  उड़ा  रहा  था ,
तभी  मैंने  देखा  मेरा  PM इशारे  से  मुझे  अंदर  बुला   रहा  था ,

मैं  confidence से  उठा  और  आगे  कदम  बढाया ,
तभी  मेरी  belt का  buckle टूट  के  नीकल  आया ,

मेरी  हालत  तो  अभी  से  ही  बुरी  हो  गयी ,
साला  इज्ज़त  उतरना  तो  यही  से  शुरू  हो  गयी ,

मैं  अंदर  पहुंचा  और  PM ने  मुझे  बिठाया ,
उसने  मेरा  letter पढा  और  वो  हंसी  रोक  न  पाया ,

वोह  इतना  हंसा  की  usse आंसू  आ  गए ,
क्या  मेरे  appraisal digits usse इतने  भा  गए ,

जैसे  ही  उसने  appraisal letter मेरी  तरफ  बढाया ,
मेरी  आँखों  के  आगे  घनघोर  अँधेरा  छाया ,

मुझे  लगा   जैसे  मेरे  dil की  दीवार  को  किसी  ने  गोबर  से  पोता  है ,
अरे  यार  "बीस  rupaye" ? ये  भी  कोई  increment होता  है  ?

ये  software indusrty है , अखाडा  नहीं  है ,
ये  "SALARY INCREMENT" है  , दादर  आने -जाने  का  भाडा  नहीं  है ,

मेरे चारों  तरफ  कलि  घटा  छायी ,तभी  मेरे  PM की  soothing आवाज़  आई ,

तुम  सोच  रहे  होगे  के  company mgmt का  दिमाग  फिर  गया  है ,
पर  बेटा  हम  क्या  करें  , dollar का  bhav 2 rupaye जो  gir गया  है  ,

पर  फिर  भी  मुझे  लगता  है , ये  letter fake है ,
मुझे  तो  लगता  है  ये  printing  mistake  है,

तुम  HR मैं  जाओ ,और   ये  confirm करके  आओ ,

भाई  HR मैं  जाने  के  लिए  तैयार  होना  पड़ता  है ,
वही  तो  ऐसी  जगह  है  जहाँ  सुंदर  लड़कियों  से  पला  पड़ता  है ,

shitt!! जहाँ  "Renuka " बैठी  है , आज  वहां बैठा  "Aftab" hai,
मैं  समझ  गया  बेटा , आज  अपना  luck ही  ख़राब  है ,

उसने  मेरा  letter खोला ,और  खुश  हो  के  बोला ,

वो  बोला  sir आप   के  लिए  खुशखबरी  है ,
आप  के  letter ने  "Printing mistake" पकड़ी  है ,

मैंने  कहा  boss अब  देर  न  लगाएं  ,
और  मुझे  मेरा  actual amount बताएं ,

sorry sir ये  mistake just by  एक्सीडेंट  है ,
बीस  rupaye नहीं  , दो  rupaye आप  का  increment है ,

मैं  क्या  करूं  आप  को  ये  बताते   हुए  मेरा  dil  रो  रहा  है ,
पर क्या करें dollar का भाव  भी तो कम  हो  रहा  है ,

मैं  बस  वहाँ  खडा  था  ,कुछ  समझ  नहीं  आ  रहा  था ,
मुझसे   ज्यादा  increment तो  security वाला  पा  रहा  था ,

मैंने  खुद  को  संभाला , खुद  को  उठाया  ,
मैं  लौटा  और  सीधे  PM के  पास  आया ,

मैं  सीधा  उसके  केबिन  गया  और  दरवाज़ा  खोला ,
इस  से  पहले  की  वो  बोले , मैं  ही  उस  से  बोला ,

sir ये  पैसे  वापिस  ले लीजिये , बात करना फीजूल है,
मैं गरीब हूँ,पर भीख  नहीं  लेता  ये  मेरा  उसूल  है|.

Sucessfull Marriage

 
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25 ^th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" .
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."