Joke of the day

 

The year is 2020 and India’s much awaited MAN-ON-THE-MOON mission is successful. The first Indian astronaut lands on the moon. The moment he steps his foot on moon he is shocked to see 2 Indians already present on the moon.

 
The astronaut asks them : “Who are u?”

Reply:

“Cameraman Santosh ke saath Deepak Chourasiya…...AAJ TAK"

 

FW: the new MPID

DO you have MPID number !!

Nandan Nilekani can do it.....Fully integrated ID card system

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card numberfirst, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu. Your home number is 22678893, your office 25076666 and your mobile is 09869798888. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year.  That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107. ."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.... ... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer:[Faints]

In the hospital

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic .. that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing."

FW: An Interesting Online Chat (Humor)

 

......................................................................................................................................... Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female -  (Online chat). (Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's) Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today? Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee. Hero : OK (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ). Manager : Hey, I need some help from you Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me. Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening? Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening. Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] (Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...) Female: Hey, am back Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... Keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@ Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!! Hero : Yep, u rite!! Female: Hey, can u do me a favor Hero : *smiles* sure, why not. Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. Ok? Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!

 

Nice one...i found on human relationships

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married 

MARRIAGE 

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. 

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. 

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? 
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! 

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. 

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. 

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. 

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. 

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. 
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. 

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. 

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. 

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. 

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. 

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. 

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. 

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. 

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. 

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. 

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. 

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. 

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. 

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. 

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. 

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. 

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. 

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be with your spouse & family and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.. Do have a real happy marriage! 

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. 

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
LIFE IS TO LOVE ...

============================================================================== Please access the attached hyperlink for an important electronic communications disclaimer:   http://www.credit-suisse.com/legal/en/disclaimer_email_ib.html ============================================================================== 

CDC - Medical Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

CAN YOU BEAT THIS RESUME ???

RESUME

EDUCATION / Qualification:

· 1950: Stood first in BA (Hons), Economics, Punjab University, Chandigarh

· 1952; Stood first in MA (Economics), Punjab University , Chandigarh ,

· 1954; Wright's Prize for distinguished performance at St John's College, Cambridge,

· 1955 and 1957; Wrenbury scholar, University of Cambridge ,

· 1957; DPhil ( Oxford ), DLitt (Honoris Causa); PhD thesis on India 's export competitiveness

OCCUPATION / Teaching Experience:

· Professor (Senior lecturer, Economics, 1957-59;

· Reader, Economics, 1959-63;

· Professor, Economics, Punjab University , Chandigarh , 1963-65;

· Professor, International Trade, Delhi School of Economics, University of Delhi,1969-71

· Honorary professor, Jawaharlal Nehru University ,New Delhi,1976 and Delhi

· School of Economics, University of Delhi ,1996 and Civil Servant

Working Experience / POSITIONS::

· 1971-72: Economic advisor, ministry of foreign trade

· 1972-76: Chief economic advisor, ministry of finance

· 1976-80: Director, Reserve Bank of India

· Director, Industrial Development Bank of India;

· Alternate governor for India, Board of governors, Asian Development Bank;

· Alternate governor for India, Board of governors, IBRD

· November 1976 - April 1980: Secretary, ministry of finance (Department of economic affairs);

· Member, finance, Atomic Energy Commission; Member, finance, Space Commission

· April 1980 - September 15, 1982 : Member-secretary, Planning Commission

· 1980-83: Chairman , India Committee of the Indo-Japan joint study committee

· September 16, 1982 - January 14, 1985 : Governor, Reserve Bank of India .

· 1982-85: Alternate Governor for India Board of governors, International Monetary Fund

· 1983-84: Member, economic advisory council to the Prime Minister

· 1985: President, Indian Economic Association

· January 15, 1985 - July 31, 1987 : Deputy Chairman, Planning Commission

· August 1, 1987 - November 10, 19! 90: Secretary-general and commissioner, south commission, Geneva

· December 10, 1990 - March 14, 1991 : Advisor to the Prime Minister on economic affairs

· March 15, 1991 - June 20, 1991 : Chairman, UGC

· June 21, 1991 - May 15, 1996 : Union finance minister

· October 1991: Elected to Rajya Sabha from Assam on Congress ticket

· June 1995: Re-elected to Rajya Sabha

· 1996 onwards: Member, Consultative Committee for the ministry of finance

· August 1, 1996 - December 4, 1997: Chairman, Parliamentary standing committee on commerce

· March 21, 1998 onwards: Leader of the Opposition, Rajya Sabha

· June 5, 1998 onwards: Member, committee on finance

· August 13, 1998 onwards: Member, committee on rules

· Aug 1998-2001: Member, committee of privileges 2000 onwards: Member, executive committee, Indian parliamentary group

· June 2001: Re-elected to Rajya Sabha

· Aug 2001 onwards: Member, general purposes committee

BOOKS:

· India's Export Trends and Prospects for Self-Sustained Growth Clarendon Press, Oxford University , 1964;

· Also published large number of articles in various economic journals.

OTHER ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

· Adam Smith Prize, University of Cambridge , 1956

· Padma Vibhushan, 1987

· Euro money Award, Finance Minister of the Year, 1993;

· Asia money Award, Finance Minister of the Year for Asia, 1993 and 1994

INTERNATIONAL ASSIGNMENTS:

· 1966: Economic Affairs Officer

· 1966-69: Chief, financing for trade section, UNCTAD

· 1972-74: Deputy for India in IMF Committee of Twenty on International Monetary Reform

· 1977-79: Indian delegation to Aid-India Consortium Meetings

· 1980-82: Indo-Soviet joint planning group meeting

· 1982: Indo-Soviet monitoring group meeting

· 1993: Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting Cyprus 1993: Human Rights World Conference, Vienna

RECREATION :

· Gymkhana Club, New Delhi;

· Life Member, India International Centre, New Delhi

PERSONAL DETAILS:

Name : Dr. Manmohan Singh

DOB : September 26, 1932

Place of Birth : Gah ( West Punjab )

Father : S. Gurmukh Singh

Mother : Mrs Amrit Kaur

Married on : September 14, 1958

Wife : Mrs Gursharan Kaur

Children : Three Daughters

Our Prime Minister seems to be the most qualified PM all over the world. . .

Pass this to every INDIAN . . . and be PROUD to be an INDIAN . . .

My 16 rules of investment success

Here are 16 rules of investment success. Read carefully….

These rules are the crux of any investment ideas and philosophy. Let us examine their relevance in the present Indian context.

Rule 1: Begin with a prayer
Prayer helps you think clearly and make fewer mistakes. Meditation is known to reduce anxiety and stress, helping in better decision making.

Rule 2: Invest for maximum total real return
It is important to only consider the total real return i.e. the money you make in your investment lifetime after inflation and taxes. Many investors get carried away by short-term movements. They tend to ignore the long-term opportunities. Thus, it is wise to invest for total real returns.

Rule 3: Remain flexible and open-minded
Flexibility comes from being agile. Open-mindedness is learning from new ideas and perspectives. Many old-timers missed India's IT sector growth in the early 90s, which gave multi- bagger stocks like Infosys and Wipro. Cut to early 2005, many people were enamored with IT sector. They neglected the infrastructure and banking sectors, whose stocks multiplied within a couple of years. Hence it is important to be flexible and open-minded.

Rule 4: Invest, do not trade or speculate
Almost all successful people in the stock market are investors and not traders. They invest for long-term and are patient. There are many investors who have become millionaires solely on return of one stock in their portfolio over a decade. Sure they bought lot of other stocks which went nowhere but the one or two stocks that did well made all the difference. Traders think of the market as a casino where you play daily to win, investors think of markets as a long-term wealth building exercise.

Rule 5: Search for bargains
Just as we buy garments at discount sale, we need to buy and not sell stocks when markets are crashing. In October 2008, many high dividend yielding stocks were sold for meager amount. People who bought them have reaped huge profits.

Rule 6: Don't buy market trends or economic theories
Remember the India story told when the sensex was at 21,000 and markets dipped to 7,500 within a year. The boom gave way to gloom, economists and market experts were expecting a correction not a crash. Thus, you should not rely on economic theories and market trends while investing as they are told only after the event has occurred.

Rule 7: Diversify across assets and across markets, there is safety in numbers
Last year, when stocks dipped, gold and bond mutual funds thrived, an investor who had invested across all three assets would have got negative return in stocks but would have made good returns in bonds and gold. Thus, it is advisable not to put all eggs in one basket.

To spread risk, investments should be diversified across assets such as:

- Stocks / equity mutual funds
- Bonds/ bond mutual funds
- Gold/ gold exchange traded funds
- Real estate
- Foreign mutual funds
- Traditional assets such as fixed deposits and public provident funds
Investment opportunities come with risks. When markets are high, investors want 100 per cent equity exposure and forget the downside risk. When markets have crashed they want 100 per cent safety and ignore the upside potential.

Rule 8: Do your homework or hire experts who will do it for you
Some of us invest based on tips and rumors, that is speculating not investing. You should read and research all investment ideas well, take time to understand the upside and downside of each investment before buying. Or else, you must engage quality financial advisors before investing.

Rule 9: Aggressively monitor your investments
No investment is forever. Expect change and react to it. There are no permanent bull market and bear market.
Way back the BSE Sensex had bluechip companies like Scindia Steamship, Asian Cables, Crompton Greaves, Mukand Iron, and Premier Auto.

Today, these companies have become small or midcaps. Some are not even quoted. Indices and markets keep changing. Investors should be on guard always.

Rule 10: Don’t Panic
Many people panic and exit the market when there is a dip. It is better to sell before a crash not after. Panic and euphoria are the two facets of same investors. Both selling after a crash and buying after a huge rally make no sense.

Rule 11: Learn from your mistakes
The only way to avoid mistakes is not investing which is the biggest mistake of all. Those who didn't invest after losing money in 1994 crash wouldn't have made money in 1999 boom. Those who lost money and exited in 2000 would have missed one the best times to invest in India from 2002 - 2008.

Rule 12: Beating the markets is a difficult task
Even professional fund managers have tough time doing it. Hence, an investor should remember that getting above market returns year after year is difficult.

Rule 13: Buy low
So simple in concept, yet so difficult to practice. Humans tend to think in herds and not alone. Only a brave person would have invested in October last year when people were shell shocked and wanted to forget about stocks. (I didn't)

Rule 14: Anyone who has all the answers doesn’t even know the questions
Markets make even the most brilliant fund managers humble. We have seen big fund managers make wrong decisions. An investor who thinks he knows everything doesn't usually know anything. Success is a process of seeking out answers to newer questions.

Rule 15: There is no free lunch
Never invest based on a tip or rumor. Everyone talks about their profits however small and no one talks about their losses however big. (Well, I lost quiet a few bucks)

Rule 16: Do not be fearful or negative too often
There will be corrections and crashes in the markets, but markets do recover and reward diligent and patient investors. This century or next it's still buy low and sell high.

This article is based on my little experience, knowledge and analysis of experts views for Investment Success.

Disclaimer: All investments carry market risks, this article is not meant to be an investment advice but an educative one.

HAPPY INVESTMENT!!

New exam pattern based on IPL rules..........

Subject: New exam pattern based on IPL rules..........

Cricket has reached exciting levels with IPL.... Infusing the same thing into exams,

some suggestions:-

Last one is the best.....!!!!!

1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.

2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.

3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.

4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall. (Wow…!!! I will love this....!!!)

5. Introduce fair play awards.

6.Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written....!!!

MUST READ HINDUSTAN...HAMARI...PEHCHAAN

AN AMERICAN VISITED INDIA AND WENT BACK TO AMERICA

WHERE HE MET HIS INDIAN FRIEND WHO ASKED HIM

HOW DID U FIND MY COUNTRY

THE AMERICAN SAID IT IS A GREAT COUNTRY

WITH SOLID ANCIENT HISTORY

AND IMMENSELY RICH WITH NATURAL RESOURCES..

THE INDIAN FRIEND THEN ASKED

HOW DID U FIND INDIANS??

INDIANS??

WHO INDIANS??

I DIDNT FIND OR MET A SINGLE INDIAN

THERE IN INDIA.

WHAT NONSENSE??

WHO ELSE COULD U MET IN INDIA THEN??

THE AMERICAN SAID

IN KASHMIR I MET A KASHMIRI

IN PUNJAB A PANJABI

IN BIHAR,MAHARASTRA, RAJASTHAN, BENGAL,TAMILNADU,KERALA

BIHARI,MARATHI, MARWADI, BENGALI,TAMILIAN, MALAYALI

THEN I MET

A MUSLIM,

A HINDU

A CHRISTIAN,

A JAIN,

A BUDDHIST

AND MANY MANY MANY MORE

BUT NOT A SINGLE INDIAN DID I MEET

THINK HOW SERIOUS THIS JOKE IS

THE DAY WOULD NOT BE FAR OFF WHEN INDEED WE WOULD

BECOME A COLLECTION OF NATION STATES AS SOME

REGIONAL ANTI-NATIONAL POLITICIANS WANT ....

FIGHT BACK -

ALWAYS SAY I AM INDIAN

JAI HIND

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be

WOMAN ARE SO SIMPLE!!! AGREE??? To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9.. A carpenter 10. A plumber 11. A mechanic 12.. A decorator 13. A stylist 16. A psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist 19. A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organizer 22. A good father 23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive 28. Gallant 29. Intelligent 30. Funny 31. Creative 32. Tender 33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36. Prudent 37. Ambitious 38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable 43. Passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. Give her compliments regularly 45. Love shopping 46.. be honest 47. be very rich 48. Not stress her out 49. Not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. To never forget: Birthdays Anniversaries Arrangements she makes & HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Leave him alone . __,_._,___