Jokes

Jokes
1. The Old Nun: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "And do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steel workers yelled down "Why?" The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch. 2. Burial in Jerusalem: A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?" the husband replied, "Long ago, I heard that a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance! 3. 40 years of marriage: A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old Moral: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female. 4. Cannibal Story: Cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu Sun Grilled Tourist: $5.00 Broiled Missionary: $7.00 Fried Explorer with garlic: $9.00 Freshly Baked Politicians: $150.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?' The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? A They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!' 5. Talking Parrot: A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi John." ... Then the fight started! 6. The Deaf Bookkeeper: A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.A It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks are, that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.A Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win!A The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." 7. Party Crashers: The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea. He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood. Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up. Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This is a birthday party!" 8. Conversation with God: Man: God? God: Yes? Man: Can I ask you something? God: Of course! Man: What is for you a million of years? God: A second. Man: And a million dollars? God: A penny. Man: God, Can you give me a penny? God: Wait a second.

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Give me the Reason

A Boy Failed In exam. He Said 2 His Teacher: I'll ask U a Question. If u don't answer u'll have to give me A Grade"

Teacher: ok

Student: What's Legal But Not Logical, Logical But Not Legal & Neither Logical Nor Legal?

Teacher Couldn't Answer..He Gave Him A Grade
... .........
Later the Student Answered:

Sir, U R 63 Yrs Old & Ur Wife Is 30. Thats Legal But Not Logical.
Your Wife Has a 25 Yrs Old Boyfriend, Its Logical But Not Legal.

.

.

.

.
Now U Hav Given Ur Wive's Lover A Grade. Thats Niether Logical Nor Legal..:)

Santa Singh at KBC

Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for "50-50″ and "Phone a Friend".

 

Santa Singh is playing the 13 th Question now which is for 25 Lacs. Let's see what happens next…

 

Amitabh Bachchan: Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par…

Santa Singh gets Tense…

 

Amitabh Bachchan : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan ? Your options are…

A) Amitabh Bachchan B) Dharmendra C) Amjad Khan(Gabbar) D) Sanjeev kumar

 

Amitabh Bachchan : Toh Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He's quite sure that Santa will opt for option A]

But Santa is surprisingly still confused…

 

Amitabh Bachchan : Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai… 50-50 and phone a friend. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai.

 

Santa Singh : I think it is A, but I'm not sure.

Amitabh Bachchan : Not sure, Hmmm… Aap kya karna chahenge?

 

Santa Singh : I would like to use 50-50…

Amitabh Bachchan : Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye…

 

Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options:

B) Dharmendra C) Amjad Khan(Gabbar)

 

Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline…

Santa Singh: I would like to use my last life line too - Phone A Friend…

 

Amitabh Bachchan : Aap kisse baat karna chahenge??

Santa Singh : Main aapki Misej [Mrs.] Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga…

 

Amitabh Bachchan Faints !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan (Thanks to AirTel )

 

Santa Singh : "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?" receiving reply from JAYA Santa faints..

GUESS WHY????????? ??

 

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Jaya Bachchan ask's him " What are the options?"

ATM signs for Men & Women

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

 

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

 

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

Your weakness can be your strength..

A 10-year-old boy decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

 

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"

 

"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied.

 

Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training. Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament.

 

Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches.

 

The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match.

 

Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals. This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out.

 

He was about to stopthe match when the sensei intervened. "No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."

 

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him.

 

The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion. On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

 

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?" "You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."

 

The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.

 

"Sometimes we feel that we have certain weaknesses and we blame god, the circumstances and our self for it but we never know that our weakness can become our strength one day.

 

Each of us is special and important, so never think you have any weakness, never think of pride or pain, just live your life to its fullest and extract the best out of it!"

Hi My friend boatnr

What are you doing now?

Hi
My friend told me a website--www.xanshop.com--which are mainly selling electronic products such as computers, cell phones,digital cameras and TV sets.He have order a digital camera and a set of DJ Equipment which has high quality and good after-sales service.
Now, the company is holding a sales promotion, so you can buy anything you want without delivery charges.
I hope you will not miss this chance!Come on!

Greeting! lalit.mohan.pandey@hotmail.com

APARTMENT for RENT--THIS IS TOO FUNNY ...

 

APARTMENT for RENT
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ...

 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  Morning,  before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

 

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

 

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

 

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

 

However, I found out that:

 

#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'

 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:

 

'Dear Sir:

 

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

 

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

 

 

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FW: WHY HUSBANDS SHOULD NOT ANSWER !!!!

 

 

WHY HUSBANDS SHOULD NOT ANSWER !!!!   WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: 'Definitely not! WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?' HUSBAND: 'Of course I do. WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.' WIFE: 'You would?' HUSBAND: .......? WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?' HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.' WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?' HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?' WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?' HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.' WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?' HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.' WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?' HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.' WIFE: 'Would she wear my shoes' HUSBAND: 'No, her size is 6. WIFE: -- silence....... - HUSBAND: 'Shit'.

==============================================================================
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FW: Office version of "Give me some sunshine"

 

 

Saari umr hum  
office mein mar liye  
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do  
jeene do  

Saari umr hum  
office mein mar liye  
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do  
jeene do  

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….  

Give me some flight  
Give me some train  
Give me another chance  
I wanna go home once again  

Give me some flight  
Give me some train  
Give me another chance  
I wanna go home once again  


Kandhon ko laptop  
Ke bojh ne jhukaya  
Client se jhoot bolna tho khud  
Manager ne sikhaya  

4.5 ya 5 rating laaoge to chhuti, varna kismat futi  
Kaam kar kar ke pada Ungaliyon pe  
REVIEW, SCREEN aur REWORK ka chaala  

Is Project ne to saala poora..  
Poora bheja paka daala  


Career to gaya  
GF bhi gayi  
Ek pal to ab humein  
jeene do jeene do  

Career to gaya  
GF bhi gayi  
Ek pal to ab humein  
jeene do jeene do  


Saari umr hum  
office main jee liye  
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do  
jeene do  

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….  


Give me some flight  
Give me some train  
Give me another chance  
I wanna go home once again  

Give me some flight  
Give me some train  
Give me another chance  
I wanna go home once again  


Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na    

==============================================================================
Please access the attached hyperlink for an important electronic communications disclaimer:
http://www.credit-suisse.com/legal/en/disclaimer_email_ib.html
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FW: Tomato story...!

 

..... Tomato Story A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.. 'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start. The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'. 'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job..' The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan..... When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email. The man replied,'I don't have an email.' The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire.. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!' Moral of the story Moral 1 Internet is not the solution to your life.. Moral 2 If you don't have an Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire. Moral 3 If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy/girl, than a millionaire.......... P.S - Do not forward this email back to me, I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes!!!   ____________________________________________

 

FW: ATTITUDE IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT....

 

 

ATTITUDE IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL  ABOUT....... 1. SOLDIER : SIR  WE  ARE SURROUNDED  FROM  ALL  SIDES  BY ENEMIES,     MAJOR: EXCELLENT!  WE CAN ATTACK IN  ANY DIRECTION. 2. EVERY ONE  KNOWS  ABOUT   ALEXANDER  GRAHAM            BELL  WHO  INVENTED  THE    TELEPHONE, BUT HE NEVER MADE A CALL TO HIS  FAMILY.  BECAUSE, HIS    WIFE AND DAUGHTER  WERE DEAF. THAT’S LIFE “LIVE FOR OTHERS  “. 3.  THE   WORST  IN   LIFE  IS  "ATTACHMENT " IT  HURTS   WHEN  YOU  LOSE      IT. THE   BEST  THING  IN  LIFE  IS "  LONELINESS "  BECAUSE  IT   TEACHES      YOU EVERYTHING AND,  WHEN YOU LOSE IT, YOU GET EVERYTHING. 4.  LIFE   IS  NOT  ABOUT  THE  PEOPLE  WHO   ACT  TRUE TO  YOUR FACE ........        IT’S  ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO REMAIN TRUE  BEHIND  YOUR  BACK. 5.  IF  AN   EGG  IS  BROKEN  BY  AN  OUTSIDE   FORCE..A  LIFE ENDS. IF     AN EGG  BREAKS FROM WITHIN.......LIFE BEGINS.        GREAT THINGS ALWAYS BEGIN FROM  WITHIN. 6.   IT’S BETTER TO LOSE YOUR EGO TO THE ONE YOU   LOVE.  THAN     TO LOSE THE ONE YOU LOVE.......  BECAUSE OF   EGO. 7.   A   RELATIONSHIP  DOESN'T  SHINE  BY  JUST   SHAKING  HANDS      AT THE  BEST OF TIMES. BUT  IT  BLOSSOMS  BY   HOLDING  FIRMLY      IN  CRITICAL SITUATIONS.   8. HEATED GOLD  BECOMES ORNAMENTS. BETTED COPPER BECOMES  WIRES.     DEPLETED STONE BECOMES STATUE. SO,  THE MORE PAIN YOU GET IN     YOUR LIFE THE  MORE VALUABLE YOU  BECOME. 9.   WHEN  YOU  TRUST  SOMEONE  TRUST   HIM  COMPLETELY   WITHOUT      ANY DOUBT....... AT   THE  END  YOU  WOULD  GET  ONE   OF      THE  TWO :   EITHER  A  LESSON  FOR  YOUR  LIFE   OR A VERY GOOD  PERSON  .

 

FW: Quotes : Text

 

Quotes 1. When Snake is alive, Snake eats Ants. When Snake is dead, Ants eat Snake. Time can turn at any time. Don't neglect anyone in your life........ ... 2. Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day. 3. A good way to change someone's attitude is to change our own. Because, the same sun melts butter, also hardens clay! Life is as we think, so think beautifully. 4. Life is just like a sea, we are moving without end. Nothing stays with us, what remain is just the memories of some people who touched us as Waves. 5. Whenever you want to know how rich you are? Never count your currency, just try to Drop a Tear and count how many hands reach out to WIPE that- that is true richness. 6. Heart tells the eyes see less, because you see and I suffer lot. Eyes replied, feel less because you feel and I cry a lot. 7. Never change your originality for the sake of others, because no one can play your role better than you. So be yourself, because whatever you are, YOU are the best. 8. Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying. His dad asked him "How do you feel?" He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!" Now thats what I call Positive Attitude

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Aisi apni wife ho...!!!

Aise apni wife ho,
5'7" jiski height ho,
Jeans jiski tight ho,
Chehra jiska bright ho,
Weight mein thodi light ho,
Thodi si woh quiet ho,
Aise apni wife ho.


INDIA ki paidaish ho,
Sas ki seva jiski khwahish ho,
Aisi apni wife ho.


Dono me kabhi na fight ho,
Milne ke baad dil delight ho,
Hey PRABHU teri archane uski life ho,
Yeh kavita padhke sab kahe "Guru tum right ho",
Aisi apni wife ho.
 

Kaash yeh concept 0.000001 % bhi right ho,
Agar aisi apni wife ho to kya haseen life ho,
Har Kisi ki yeh farmaish ho, kudrat ki bhi aajmaish ho,
Khudah ke software mein bhi debug ki na gunjaish ho,
Ay kaash kahin to ek aisi paidaish ho,
Aisi apni wife ho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Don't"

DON’T
 
Don’t care so much for me,
 
I may get used to it.
 
Don’t come so near to me,
 
I may not be able to detach from it.
 
Don’t put so much faith in me,
 
I may not be able to handle it.
 
Don’t touch me the way u do,
 
I may not be able to get over it.
 
Don’t become a part of my life,
 
Coz without u, I won’t be able to live it.
 
Don’t make me fall for u,
 
I may not be able to fall out of it.
 
Don’t come into my life,
 
If u have to leave one day.
 
Don’t give me the hope,
 
That it’s forever u r gonna stay.
 
Coz love is an emotion
 
I won’t be able to hide,
 
When love isn’t reciprocated with love,
 
It hurts deep down inside.
 
Don’t start something
 
That I won’t be able to end.
 
Don’t make me believe
 
That u can be more than a friend.
 
Coz at the end of it all,
 
I don’t wanna hear u say,
 
That,” I’m sorry,”
 
“ but I never felt the same way!” 
  
 

FW: Software version of 3 Idiot's song - Saari Umr Hum

 

Saari umr hum

coding main mar gaye

Ek pal to ab humein jeene do

jeene do

 

Saari umr hum

coding main mar gaye

Ek pal to ab humein jeene do

jeene do

 

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

 

Give me some flight

Give me some train

Give me another chance

I wanna go home once again

 

Give me some flight

Give me some train

Give me another chance

I wanna go home once again

 

Kandhon ko laptop

Ke bojh ne jhukaya

 

Client se jhoot bolna tho khud

Manager ne sikhaya

 

C-3 ya D-3 rating laaoge to chhuti, varna kismat futi

Code kar kar ke pada Ungaliyon pe

JAVA, ORACLE aur PERL ka chaala

 

Projeck ne to sala poora..

Poora bheja pakka daala

 

Career to gaya

GF bhi gayi

Ek pal to ab humein

jeene do jeene do

 

Career to gaya

GF bhi gayi

Ek pal to ab humein

jeene do jeene do

 

Saari umru hum

coding main jee liye

Ek pal to ab humein jeene do

jeene do

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

Give me some flight

Give me some train

Give me another chance

I wanna go home once again

Give me some flight

Give me some train

Give me another chance

I wanna go home once again

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

 

FW: Good Jokes are Back..

 

BOY to girl : Tu hi to jannat meri,Tu hi mera junon or kuch na janu mae bas itna hi janu, Tujme RAB dikhta hai YARA mae kya kru?? Girl: Mattha tek or Dafaa ho. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVE V/S EXAM LOVE:lots of thoughts in mind but no guts to express EXAMS:lots of guts to express but no thoughts in mind  J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What is the height of Flirting? ? ? When your love letter starts with "TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN". J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GIRL- Jaan mujhey aise propose karo jaise kisi ne na kiya ho. BOY(slapped her, and said) - "kamini, I luv u, mujhsay shaadi karke mujhey tabah kar de" J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After robbing the Bank, robber to clerk: Did u see me robbing? CLERK : Yes. Robber shot him dead & asked the next clerk: Did u? SECOND CLERK : No, But my wife saw u!  J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Banta baar me ro raha tha. TENDER : Kyo ro rahe ho? BANTA : Aur kya karu?? Jis ladki ko bhulana chahta hun, uska naam hi yaad nahi aa raha.  J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BOY : Ae bewafa tune mera dil jala diya, Dil jalke rakh ho gaya . GIRL : Teri kurbani barbad nahi jayegi, raakh idhar bhej de bartan dhone ke kaam ayegi.....! J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A BOY said to a girL: come into my heart GIRL said: sandal nikalu kiya? BOY said: hatt pagli mera dil mandir thodhi na hai sandal pehenke hi aa jao,  J ok. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EK AADMI ROZ SUBHA PED KI DALI PE CHADH K BAITH JATA THA, PUCHO KYU? ? ? ? BECHARA MBA KARKE PAGAL HO GAYA THA, APNE APKO BRANCH MANAGER SAMJHTA THA...

FW: Eating Fruits & heart attack

 

 

EATING FRUITS ........   It's long but very informative   We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits, cutting it and just popping it into our mouths.. It's not as easy as you think. It's important to know how and when to eat..   What is the correct way of eating fruits?   IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUITS AFTER YOUR MEALS!  FRUITS SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.   If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to detoxify your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities.   FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD. Let's say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it is prevented from doing so.   In the meantime the whole meal rots and ferments and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil.   ; So please eat your fruits on an empty stomach or before your meals! You have heard people complaining - every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats up, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet etc - actually all this will not arise if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. The fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas and hence you will bloat!   Graying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes all these will not happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach.   There is no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruits become alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter. If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruits, you have the Secret of beauty, longevity, health, energy, happiness and normal weight.   When you need to drink fruit juice - drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from the cans. Don't even drink juice that has been heated up. Don't eat cooked fruits because you don't get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste. Cooking destroys all the vitamins.   But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it. You can go on a 3-day fruit fast to cleanse your body. Just eat fruits and drink fruit juice throughout the 3 days and you will be surprised when your friends tell you how radiant you look!   KIWI: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E & fiber. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange.   APPLE: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.   STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicals.   ORANGE : Sweetest medicine. Taking 2-4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as lessens the risk of colon cancer.   WATERMELON: Coolest thirst quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system. They are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon are vitamin C & Potassium.   GUAVA & PAPAYA: Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber, which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene; this is good for your eyes.   Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! Can you believe this? For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup,warm water or warm beer after a meal.  A serious note about heart attacks HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE': (THIS IS NOT A JOKE!) Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line.. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack . Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms.. Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive...   A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.  Read this..It could save your life!!

FW: Dilbert's One liners.....Good one

 

 

 

Here are some nice Dilbert's one liners: 1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. 2. A friend in need is a pest indeed. 3.  Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT 4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time. 5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane. 6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.. 7. Born free, taxed to death. 8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. 9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. 10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. 13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. 14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. 16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. 17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? 18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? 19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon! 20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.   21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers 24. Someday is not a day of the week 25. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. 26.. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy. 27. The road to success.... Is always under construction.. 28. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. 29. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. and here's the best of the lot       30. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else!