FW: mast !!!

Apne Project ke  bojh tale daba jaa raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

zindagi se hara hua hai,

par "Bugs" se haar nahi  manata,

Apne application ki ek ek line ise rati hui hai,

par aaj  kaun se rang ke moje pehne hain , ye nahi  janata,

din par din ek  excel file banata ja raha hai

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

das hazaar line ke code main error dhoond lete hain  lekin,

majboor dost ki ankhon ki nami dikhayi nahi deti,

pc pe  hazaar windows khuli hain,

par dil ki khidki pe koi dastak sunayi nahi  deti,

satuday-sunday nahata nahi, week days ko naha raha hai,

Wo  dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

Coding karte karte pata  hi nahi chala,

bugs ki priority kab maa-baap se high ho  gayi,

kitabon main gulab rakhne wala ,

apne institute ki kisi ladki se pyaar karne  wala,

cigerette ke  dhuyen main kho gaya,

dil ki zameen se armaanon ki vidayi ho  gayi,

weekends pe daroo peke jo jashna mana raha hai,

Wo  dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

maze lena ho iske to  pooch lo,

"Salary Increment" ki party kab dila rahe ho,

hansi  udana ho to pooch lo,

"Onsite" kab ja rahe ho?

wo dekho  onsite se laute team-mate ki chocolates kha raha hai,

Wo dekho ek  Software engineer ja raha hai,

kharche badh rahe  hain,

baal kam ho rahe hain,

KRA ki date ati nahi,

Income  Tax ke sitam ho rahe hain,

lo phir se bus choot gayi, Auto se aa  raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

Pizza  gale se nahi utarta,

to "Coke" ke sahare nigal liya jata  hai,

office ki "Thali" dekh munh hai bigadta,

maa ke hath ka wo  khana baar roz yaad ata hai,

"Sprout bhel" bani hai phir bhi,  free "Evening Snacks" kha raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

aapne ab tak li hongi bahut si chutikiya,

Software  engg. ke jivan ka sach batati ye akhri kuch panktiyan,

hazaron ki  tankhwah wala, company ki karodon ki jeb bharta hai,

software engg. wahi  ban sakta hai, jo lohe ka jigar rakhta hai,

hum log jee jee ke marte  hain , zindagi hai kuch aisi,

ek fauj ki naukri, doosri software engg. ki  , dono ek jaisi,

is kavita ka har shabd mere dil ki gehrayi se aa  raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

FW: kids think quick

TEACHER    :    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA         :    Here it is!
TEACHER    :    Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS          :    Maria!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER     :    Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK          :    Because of the sign.
TEACHER     :    What sign?
FRANK          :    The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN       :   You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER    :   Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN         :    K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER    :    No, that's wrong
GLENN         :    Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD      :    H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER    :    What are you talking about?
DONALD      :    Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER      : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't  have ten years ago.
WINNIE        :    Me!
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS          :    Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE    :    I is...
TEACHER    :    No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE     :    All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
         didn't punish  him?"
LOUIS    : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER      :  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON          :    No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER      :   Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :    No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people  are no longer interested?
HAROLD   :     A teacher.

 

MediCal Re-imburseMEnt!!!!

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABCHospital.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.300.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and

Then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my
house.

The Oberoi charges Rs. 2500, Taj charges Rs.2000, Le Meridian charges
Rs.1500.

We do it here for Rs.300, and can also claim this back as Medical
Reimbursement.

Simple Mathematics!!..Really funny!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________________________
OFFICE  ARITHMETIC  

Smart boss +  smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime  
_____________________________  

SHOPPING MATH  

A man will pay $20  for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________  

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________  
HAPPINESS  

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  
______________________________  
LONGEVITY  

Married men live  longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.  
______________________________  
 
PROPENSITY  TO CHANGE  

A woman marries a  man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.  
_____________________________  
DISCUSSION  TECHNIQUE  

A woman has the  last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the  beginning of a new argument.  
_____________________________  

   

HOW  TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED  
Old aunts used  to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling  me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them  at funerals.  

Really Call Centre ...... ...!!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Samsung Electronics


Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


RAC Motoring Services


Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


Directory Enquiries


Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

FW: Great one

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.

 
The problem was who should get custody of the child????
 
Wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into this world With pain and labor. She should be in my custody."
 
The judge turns to Husband and says "What do you have to say in your Defense?"
 
The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.  "Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.

Whose Pepsi is it? The machine's or mine?"
 
Yeh sunke...Wife replied : "Judge sahab...bartan mera...doodh bhi mera...aur Usme dahi jamane ke liye agar usne 2 boond dahi daala tau fir Dahi kiska..? Mera ya do boond dalane vale ka"
 
Husband replied : "Typewriter mein kagaz Maine dala, keys daba-daba kar Mehnat Maine ki, fir chithi kiski? Typewriter ki ya meri?"
 
Frustrated Judge: "Agar Tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki naubat hi na aati."

School days.....

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----------

Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----------

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------------

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? "
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."

------------ --------- --------- -------

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)

------------ --------- --------- -------

Utho lal

 

 Utho lal ab aankhein kholo
paani laayi mu dho lo
beeti raat kamal dal phule 

jinke upar bhaware jhule
chidhiya chahak uthi paedo par
behne lagi hawa aati sunder
Nabh mein nyari lali chaayee
Dharti ne pyari chavi paayi
aisa sundar samay na kho
mere pyare ab mat so

Mistake kiya kya.....!!!!

Dear All ......

 

If a barber makes a mistake,   It's a        new style           ...

If a driver makes a mistake,

It is an New path ...

If a engineer makes a mistake,

It is a  new venTURe ...

If parents makes a mistake,

It is a new generation ...

If a politician makes a mistake,

It is a new LAW ...

If a scientist makes a mistake,

It is a new iNVENTION ...

If a tailor makes a mistake,

It is a new Fashion ...

If a teacher makes a mistake ,

It is a new Theory ...

If our boss makes a mistake,

It is a                                         New idea   ...

If an employee makes a mistake,

It is a "Mistake" ...

 

 

 

 

 

Six reasons not to mess with children-just Fantastic.

6 reasons not to mess with children.

(1)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Love marriage vs Arrange marriage

---

Love Marriage	Arranged Marriage
Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set of functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.	Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.
Family system hangs because hardware (called Parents ) is not responding.	Compatible with hardware (Parents).
You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.	You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.
Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.	All these features are covered in the SRS (System Req. Specification) as required features.
Love Marriage is like Windows , beautiful n seductive.... Yet one never knows when it will crash.... if crashes that's the end	Arranged Marriage is like Unix.... Boring n colorless... but still extremely reliable n robust. May crash but easy to recover

Globalization

 

 

 

 

---

 

Subject:- Globalisation ! !
 
Question:- What is the truest definition of Globalisation ?
 
Answer:- Princess Diana's death.
 
Question :- How come ? 

Answer:- An English princess, with an Egyptian boy friend, crashes in a French
 
tunnel, driving a German car, with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian, who was
 
drunk on Scottish whisky, ( check the bottle before you change the spelling )
 
followed by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American
            
doctor, using Brazilian medicines, This is sent to you by an Indian using
             
Bill Gate's technology, and u r probably reading this on your comp. that
             
uses Taiwanese chips, and Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers,
             
in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers.
 
 
That z , GLOBALISATION

 

---

 

 

A song on Bill Gates

 

                                                                            BILL TO PAGAL HAI
                                                                    ___________________________________________

Billl To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....

Achhe Bure Softwares Banata Hai Yahi,
Hasata He Yahi, Rulata Hai,
Usme Phir 'Bugs' Daalta Hain Wohi,
Aur Solutions Bhi Nikalta Hai,


Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....


Is Bill Ki Baton Mein Jo Aate Hain,
Woto Oolloo Ban Jate Hain,
Software To Dusare Bhi Banate Hain,
Banake Magar Kho Jate Hain,


Hmmm Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....


Softwares Ko Main Na Pehchanoonga,
Working Bhi Na Mein Uski Janoonga,
Microsoft Ka Logo Bass Mein Dekhoonga,
Bill Jo Kahega Wohi Manoonga.


Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....


Bill Ka Kehna Hum Sab Maane,
Bill Na Kisi Ki Maane,
Uski Strategy Jaan Li Hamne,
Ek Wohi Na Jaane.


Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....


Chhoro Ye Bill Sab Kahaniya,
Bugs Ki Hain Sab Nishaniya,
Programmers Ki Sari Pareshaniya,
Is Bill Ki Hain Ye Meherbaniya.


Hmmm Bill To Pagal Hai....
Bill Deewana Hai.....

 

Scrabble Genius

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

                              DILIP VENGSARKAR
                       When you rearrange the letters:
                               SPARKLING DRIVE

                               PRINCESS DIANA
                       When you rearrange the letters:
                              END IS A CAR SPIN


                               MONICA LEWINSKY
                       When you rearrange the letters:
                              NICE SILKY WOMAN


                                 DORMITORY:
                       When you rearrange the letters:
                                 DIRTY ROO M


                                 ASTRONOMER:
                       When you rearrange the letters:
                                 MOON STARER


                                 DESPERATION
                        When you rearrange the letters:
                               A ROPE ENDS IT


                                  THE EYES:
                       When you rearrange the letters:
                                  THEY SEE



                              A DECIMAL POINT:
                       When you rearrange the letters:
                              IM A DOT IN PLACE


                          AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
                               MOTHER-IN-LAW:

                       When you rearrange the letters:
                                WOMAN HITLER

ForwardSourceID:NT0000A86A    

[Top 25 Success Quotations]

Consider what it takes to become an undeniable success with these sincere quotations that identify the fundamental factors necessary to triumph...   " Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other thing." -- Abraham Lincoln       "God gave us two ends. One to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use; head you win -- tails, you lose." -- Anonymous        "The ladder of success is best climbed by stepping on the rungs of opportunity. " -- Ayn Rand        "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get." -- B. R. Hayden        "Success is a journey, not a destination. " -- Ben Sweetland   "The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes." -- Benjamin Disraeli       "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -- Bill Cosby        "The secret of success is to be in harmony with existence, to be always calm? to let each wave of life wash us a little farther up the shore." -- Cyril Connolly        "All of us are born for a reason, but all of us don't discover why. Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others." -- Danny Thomas        "Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other." -- Erma Bombeck        "Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire." -- Fred Shero        "Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time." -- George Bernard Shaw       "A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success." -- Joyce Brothers        "Failure is success if we learn from it." -- Malcolm S. Forbes       "The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." -- Mark Caine       "True success is overcoming the fear of being unsuccessful. " -- Paul Sweeney        "Get up one time more than you're knocked down." -- Peter's Principle of Success       "Most people who succeed in the face of seemingly impossible conditions are people who simply don't know how to quit." -- Robert Schuller       "The truth is that all of us attain the greatest success and happiness possible in this life whenever we use our native capacities to their greatest extent." -- Smiley Blanton       "When your physical environment is in alignment with your aspiration, success becomes the norm." -- Susan St Lawrence       "The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people." -- Theodore Roosevelt        "The way to succeed is to double your error rate." -- Thomas Watson     "Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price." -- Vince Lombardi        "Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." -- Winston Churchill        "Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have." -- Zig Ziglar  Read more story's

 

__._,_.___

Testers and Developers