FW: Apprisal Letter :)

Appraisal के नाम पर एक लम्बी आह भरते हैं,

chaliye ab hum is "dukhad" kahani ki shuruat karte hain,

हमेह्सा की तरह 10 बजे ठुमकते हुए office आया,
11 बजे तक नाश्ता किया और बारह बजे तक mail ही पढ़ पाया ,

हमेशा की तरह आज भी मुझे आलस आ रहा था ,
और मेरा PM मुझे तिरछी निगाहों से देख -देख गुस्सा रहा था,

मैं बड़े concentration के साथ एक "Careful" mail पढ़ रहा था,
तभी देखा मेरे PM ke नाम का नया mail कोने मैं blink कर रहा था,

फिर कोई traini n g attend करनी होगी,ये क्या बकवास है,
क्या reply मैं लिख दूँ की मेरे mailbox का उपवास है?

मैंने आँखें बंद की और 10 bar "om" "om" bola,
और प्रणाम karate huye मैंने वो मेल खोला,

PM के इस s मेल मैं एक अजीब सा सुकून और भोलापन है,
likha है भाइयों appraisal letters आ गए,अब तो one -to-one hai,

मॅन मैं ऐसे बुरे बुरे ख्याल आ रहे थे ,
ऊपर से कुछ लोग मेरे"de-appraisal" की गन्दी affwah उड़ा रहे थे,

PM को letter लाते देख हर कोई useदेखता जाता है,
जैसे mallika के किसी नए गाने को देखा जाता है,

आखिर वो वक़्त आया,PM ने एक एक kar sabako ander बुलाया,
जो भी अंदर जाता हँसता हुआ जाता,
जो बहार आता,मुरझाया hua aata,

बहार आ कर इंसान संभल भी नहीं पता है,
की "कितना हुआ kitna मीला"हर कोई उसपे टूट जाता है,

किसी एक को appraisal मैं 2000 rupaye मिले थे , मैं उसकी हंसी उड़ा रहा था ,
तभी मैंने देखा मेरा PM इशारे से मुझे अंदर बुला रहा था ,

मैं confidence से उठा और आगे कदम बढाया ,
तभी मेरी belt का buckle टूट के नीकल आया ,

मेरी हालत तो अभी से ही बुरी हो गयी ,
साला इज्ज़त उतरना तो यही से शुरू हो गयी ,

मैं अंदर पहुंचा और PM ने मुझे बिठाया ,
उसने मेरा letter पढा और वो हंसी रोक न पाया ,

वोह इतना हंसा की usse आंसू आ गए ,
क्या मेरे appraisal digits usse इतने भा गए ,

जैसे ही उसने appraisal letter मेरी तरफ बढाया ,
मेरी आँखों के आगे घनघोर अँधेरा छाया ,

मुझे लगा जैसे मेरे dil की दीवार को किसी ने गोबर से पोता है ,
अरे यार "बीस rupaye" ? ये भी कोई increment होता है ?

ये software indusrty है , अखाडा नहीं है ,
ये "SALARY INCREMENT" है , दादर आने -जाने का भाडा नहीं है ,

मेरे चारों तरफ कलि घटा छायी ,तभी मेरे PM की soothing आवाज़ आई ,

तुम सोच रहे होगे के company mgmt का दिमाग फिर गया है ,
पर बेटा हम क्या करें , dollar का bhav 2 rupaye जो gir गया है ,

पर फिर भी मुझे लगता है , ये letter fake है ,
मुझे तो लगता है ये printing mistake है,

तुम HR मैं जाओ ,और ये confirm करके आओ ,

भाई HR मैं जाने के लिए तैयार होना पड़ता है ,
वही तो ऐसी जगह है जहाँ सुंदर लड़कियों से पला पड़ता है ,

shitt!! जहाँ "Renuka " बैठी है , आज वहां बैठा "Aftab" hai,
मैं समझ गया बेटा , आज अपना luck ही ख़राब है ,

उसने मेरा letter खोला ,और खुश हो के बोला ,

वो बोला sir आप के लिए खुशखबरी है ,
आप के letter ने "Printing mistake" पकड़ी है ,

मैंने कहा boss अब देर न लगाएं ,
और मुझे मेरा actual amount बताएं ,

sorry sir ये mistake just by एक्सीडेंट है ,
बीस rupaye नहीं , दो rupaye आप का increment है ,

मैं क्या करूं आप को ये बताते हुए मेरा dil रो रहा है ,
पर क्या करें dollar का भाव भी तो कम हो रहा है ,

मैं बस वहाँ खडा था ,कुछ समझ नहीं आ रहा था ,
मुझसे ज्यादा increment तो security वाला पा रहा था ,

मैंने खुद को संभाला , खुद को उठाया ,
मैं लौटा और सीधे PM के पास आया ,

मैं सीधा उसके केबिन गया और दरवाज़ा खोला ,
इस से पहले की वो बोले , मैं ही उस से बोला ,

sir ये पैसे वापिस ले लीजिये , बात करना फीजूल है,
मैं गरीब हूँ,पर भीख नहीं लेता ये मेरा उसूल है.

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to Sr.management

 

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

 

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

 

10: I've run away to join a different circus.

 

 

 

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE

 

11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as 'Susie' instead of 'Steve'

mspaint

Funny Mail

 

 

 

 

 

 

jab parrot hua dirty, parrot se boli maina don't u worry surf excel hay na....       Bakre ne maari bakri ko laat baaakre ne maari baakri ko laat gaur farmaiye bohot zor se laat maari hai bakre ne mari bakri ko laat TO KYA HUA AB BAKRI MAREGI BAKRE KO LAAT       Khidki khuli,zulfain udi laga husn -e -yarr ka deedar thaa.... zulfain hati,kismat phuti arey ye to sunday ko nahaya hua sardaar thaa....         YASHOMATI MAIYYA SE BOLE NANDLALA, YASHOMATI MAIYYA SE BOLE NANDLALA, ISKO LAGADALA TO LIFE JHINGA LALA JHINGA LALA...         ishq ke jaam ko aise na piyo ki adha piya adha chod diya, yeh pyaar hai mere yaar nahi koi VIM BAR ki thoda sa lagaya aur ho gaya.       when i cry no 1 sees my tears, when i m sad no 1 sees my pain, when i m happy no 1 sees my smile, but saalaa 1 ladki ke saath ghumo to sari duniya dekh leti hai.       teri galion mein na rakhein ge kadam aaj ke baad, teri galion mein na rakhein ge kadamaaj ke baad, ...... ....... kyon ki kichad bohut ho jata hai BARISH ke baad !!       Na pooch teri judai ke lamhe humne kaise bitaaye... Paani main surf mila ke straw se bulbule banaye!!       Yu dekha naa karo hume haste haste, Yu dekha naa karo hume haste haste, Mere dost bade kharaab hain keh denge 'Bhabhi Ji Namaste!'       woh aati hai toh raastey pe 100 100 ke note bichchaata hoon........ ...... woh aati hai toh raastey pe 100 100 ke note bichchaata hoon........ ......   chali jaati hai toh uthaa letaa hoo

 

Rhymes..

A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make
rhymes with their names.

 First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.


 "My name is Dan,
 When I grow up to be a man,
 I want to go to India and Japan ,
 If I can, If I can, If I can. "

.

.

.

 "Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it
was now her turn.

 "My name is Sally,
 When I grow up to be a lady,
 I want to have a baby
 If I can, if I can, if I can. "

 "That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will
change your mind."

 Next up was Glenn. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:

.

.

.

 "My name is Glenn,
 When I grow up to be a man,
 Never mind India and Japan ,
 I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
 I know I can, I can, I can. "

 

:O

Poem from an engineer...You will love this.......

 

 

 

ForwardSourceID:NT0003BE3E    

FW: mast !!!

Apne Project ke  bojh tale daba jaa raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

zindagi se hara hua hai,

par "Bugs" se haar nahi  manata,

Apne application ki ek ek line ise rati hui hai,

par aaj  kaun se rang ke moje pehne hain , ye nahi  janata,

din par din ek  excel file banata ja raha hai

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

das hazaar line ke code main error dhoond lete hain  lekin,

majboor dost ki ankhon ki nami dikhayi nahi deti,

pc pe  hazaar windows khuli hain,

par dil ki khidki pe koi dastak sunayi nahi  deti,

satuday-sunday nahata nahi, week days ko naha raha hai,

Wo  dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

Coding karte karte pata  hi nahi chala,

bugs ki priority kab maa-baap se high ho  gayi,

kitabon main gulab rakhne wala ,

apne institute ki kisi ladki se pyaar karne  wala,

cigerette ke  dhuyen main kho gaya,

dil ki zameen se armaanon ki vidayi ho  gayi,

weekends pe daroo peke jo jashna mana raha hai,

Wo  dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

maze lena ho iske to  pooch lo,

"Salary Increment" ki party kab dila rahe ho,

hansi  udana ho to pooch lo,

"Onsite" kab ja rahe ho?

wo dekho  onsite se laute team-mate ki chocolates kha raha hai,

Wo dekho ek  Software engineer ja raha hai,

kharche badh rahe  hain,

baal kam ho rahe hain,

KRA ki date ati nahi,

Income  Tax ke sitam ho rahe hain,

lo phir se bus choot gayi, Auto se aa  raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

Pizza  gale se nahi utarta,

to "Coke" ke sahare nigal liya jata  hai,

office ki "Thali" dekh munh hai bigadta,

maa ke hath ka wo  khana baar roz yaad ata hai,

"Sprout bhel" bani hai phir bhi,  free "Evening Snacks" kha raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

aapne ab tak li hongi bahut si chutikiya,

Software  engg. ke jivan ka sach batati ye akhri kuch panktiyan,

hazaron ki  tankhwah wala, company ki karodon ki jeb bharta hai,

software engg. wahi  ban sakta hai, jo lohe ka jigar rakhta hai,

hum log jee jee ke marte  hain , zindagi hai kuch aisi,

ek fauj ki naukri, doosri software engg. ki  , dono ek jaisi,

is kavita ka har shabd mere dil ki gehrayi se aa  raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha  hai,

FW: kids think quick

TEACHER    :    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA         :    Here it is!
TEACHER    :    Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS          :    Maria!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER     :    Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK          :    Because of the sign.
TEACHER     :    What sign?
FRANK          :    The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN       :   You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER    :   Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN         :    K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER    :    No, that's wrong
GLENN         :    Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD      :    H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER    :    What are you talking about?
DONALD      :    Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER      : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't  have ten years ago.
WINNIE        :    Me!
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS          :    Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE    :    I is...
TEACHER    :    No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE     :    All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER    :    Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
         didn't punish  him?"
LOUIS    : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER      :  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON          :    No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER      :   Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :    No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people  are no longer interested?
HAROLD   :     A teacher.

 

MediCal Re-imburseMEnt!!!!

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABCHospital.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.300.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and

Then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my
house.

The Oberoi charges Rs. 2500, Taj charges Rs.2000, Le Meridian charges
Rs.1500.

We do it here for Rs.300, and can also claim this back as Medical
Reimbursement.

Simple Mathematics!!..Really funny!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________________________
OFFICE  ARITHMETIC  

Smart boss +  smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime  
_____________________________  

SHOPPING MATH  

A man will pay $20  for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________  

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________  
HAPPINESS  

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  
______________________________  
LONGEVITY  

Married men live  longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.  
______________________________  
 
PROPENSITY  TO CHANGE  

A woman marries a  man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.  
_____________________________  
DISCUSSION  TECHNIQUE  

A woman has the  last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the  beginning of a new argument.  
_____________________________  

   

HOW  TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED  
Old aunts used  to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling  me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them  at funerals.